About Me

Thursday, April 30, 2015

A sense of Self

There are other things I want to write about. My me-made-May pledge is one of them, as May is only two days away and I'm not yet sure how to finalize my pledge. I have some finished garments to show, and patterns I would like to discuss, and a few meters of fabric that I purchased and can't wait till I'm able to wear, and a Morris blazer in process. And I'm also going to a conference and would like to share my me-made wardrobe decisions and...

Despite all the sewing-related thoughts I have throughout the day, I haven't stitched a seam in a few days. Life has the tendency to explode on me from time to time, and when it happens it's chaotic and tiring and results in me feeling a great loss, as if I have lost some sense of self.

Graduate school has its ups and downs. Few months ago I was stuck in an endless tunnel of experiments that just don't work. Also during the war the MRI system I work with was down (due to safety reasons) and I lost precious time. I had no energy and no motivation and felt like the entire world was against me (the entire world, with the exception of my partner, best friends, and pHD supervisor - this is actually a large group!). Lately things are looking different. I'm not sure yet whether my results are enough, but I'm feeling a change of pace and also the ability to look back and have different perspective on things.

However when things are chaotic and I don't sew as much as I would have liked I always worry that it always will by like that. That the pace will not slow down, that I will not regain my sewing energy, and that the fabric I love will never be made into a complete garment (rather than the pile of UFOs I currently have).

That fear is taking up more time than the time it takes to finally sew the binding into that last Strathcona or stitch the waistband to my newest Moss skirt, but it still holds me back. Mostly I'm afraid that my sense of self is depended on so many different things, and given that a perfect life balance is not realistic I always have to leave part of me neglected, that part of "me" that belongs to the activity I have no energy for.

Thins change all the time, life is dynamic. Achievements are counted in years and decades, not in the couple of hours it takes to sew a t-thirt. I know all that, and yet when I can't have it all I find myself searching for that sense of self that was left neglected on that lost piece of puzzle.

Is sewing part of your definition of "self"? How do you feel if you don't get to sew for longer than you would have liked? and what will you make once you finally are able to turn the machine back on?

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